Marriage is a scared thing. Vows are taken before God or not something that should be meddled with. But as thinking individuals, if there is one duty that we have, it of being honest to ourselves.if we see that the union is not helping us grow and be the best version of ourselves, there is nothing wrong in deciding to part ways. An ideal partner is definitely not your responsibility but being honest with yourself definitely is.and do not beat yourself if you do not have the most ideal marriage
It is in no way easy, in fact, it can be one of the most terrifying experiences of your life considering the intensity of the situation. Divorce is a tricky thing. Because the decision has already been made it can put you or your in a spot that neither of you finds comfortable. So it important that you tread with kindness and in a manner, your partner will at least be able to comprehend.
Things to Keep in mind:
- One of the most important things that you must remember is that it is necessary to be kind and empathetic.you are basically deciding to leave them, the entire brunt of this knowledge can be a little difficult for them to process, so be as kind as possible.]
- Another thing that is important is utmost clarity, try to be as honest as possible without com ing off as rude. But because this is such major decision, do not leave out important details. They need to know what is going through your head.
- Choose a time that is calm and conducive to having a discussion this intense. If the mood is volatile chances are that you will not be able to convey your thoughts and feelings may get hurt, which they will anyway, but this might end up actually backfiring.
- Do not blindside you, spouse, make sure that they understand your side of the story. Attending a few therapy sessions or some marriage counselling together beforehand might also be a very good idea.if they have an idea about what has been happening in your head, they might not be completely shocked when you tell them that you want a divorce. The transition then will not be smooth, because if they are not expecting it they might get completely devastated.
- There is a certain way in which you can convey your feelings that do not make your partner feel like they are completely worthless. The fact that you are asking for a divorce is going to be hurtful Anyway, the least you can do is not completely blame them for it.
- Remember to think things through before throwing the ball in. It is important for you to completely understand the intensity of what you are planning to do. Decide before hand about the things you are going to say and make sure that they are not extremely triggering.
- You can say something like “I have been thinking about this for some time now and I would not say it unless I really felt it, but I feel both of us deserve a chance to be happy, I would like to tell you what is bothering me, and if you agree we can both work on it” you should do this only if you are ready to sort or fix things. Otherwise, do not give your spouse any false hopes.
- You and your partner may or may not have had kids, but just by the virtue of having been married, it is necessary for you to remember that you must be kind and empathetic towards them. No matter what their stance is, you should make sure that you are direct yet not degrading them.
- If your stance is “ I believe we need to divorce” then make sure you do it as directly as possible, be firm yet gentle and ensure that it is respectfully guided by compassion more than anything else.
- If you are not sure about how your spouse will act or if it is an extreme case where you expect a bit of difficulty during the discussion, choose a spot that is neutral and where you surrounded by people. It is important for you to feel safe and secure as you break this news. Your decision should be guided by honesty and not fear.
- It is important for you to acknowledge the seriousness of your words. Divorce is a very big thing and you should not casually throw around those words. So whenever you end up saying something, make sure that you mean it.
- The key is to be as accepting and careful as possible, because this situation can quickly turn precarious it is necessary that you limit the blame game and come out as clearly as possible. You will have mixed emotion, or might even develop cold feet. But it is important to stick to your guns if you clearly want to separate.
- Also remember that you have to be willing to listen to what your partner has to say.find the co operation you always lacked in your marriage to understand and sort things out atleast the last time. You never know, this may actually change your mind.we are not asking you to give them the complete benefit of doubt, just be open to a discussion.
- Be ready for a reaction from your spouse. It is almost natural for them to react or maybe not react at all, but give the room to have a response. When you are telling them your decision make sure you are not petty and do not get extremely detailed in your conversation.
- If at all you feel that the declaration will be easier with a third part involved, like your therapist or a counsellor, do it. If all it takes is a helping hand to help you decide and rationalize better, then do it.
What Not to do
- Do not surprise them with divorce papers directly without having a conversation first.make sure they get ample time to process the situation.
- Do not ghost them, by packing your bags and leaving the house.that is abandonment and can inflict serious trauma on your partner.
- Do not be a coward whilst making the decision and learn to take your share of the trouble too. If you are not mature in the way you handle this declaration, you will end up looking like a child, not to mention extremely hurtful.
- Do not go around sharing this with everyone before your partner is ever aware. Best friend or therapist is all right, but it is important that you actually discuss this with your partner as they are the party involved. Not the rest of the world.
- Do not set anything in stone and do not take absolute decision that will affect the life of others in the heat of the moment. Disagreements are bound to happen, keep some room for discussion before making the final decision. See if you can work things out, unless it has been something extreme., remember to breathe in for a moment and comprehend your decision.
How to Deal With Their Reaction
- Learn to keep calm once you have made a decision. Chances are that your husband will be angry, or he might react in a way that catches you off guard or he might even beg you to reconsider, hear him out if you have to but do not sway away too much if you genuinely felt the relationship was not serving the purpose.
- Understand that he needs the time, and that he is hurting so let him deal with it, and provide the support he needs and be respectful and co operative.If this is coming from a peaceful place make sure that you provide him with the adequate attention and space..
- You have to remember that even though you might be emotionally detached at the moment because you have been working through your feelings for the past few months your spouse might be unaware of all this and all this will surprise him. You must be prepared for that.
- You bare already ahead of your spouse in the grieving process and they still might be battling felling of hopelessness and despair.just out of respect for the time you have spent together make sure that you exercise empathy.
- Give them every chance to get a closure this can be a very confusing time for them. Admitted that the one being left is hurt more than the one leaving but it is important to be as empathetic as possible.
- It is not your responsibility to make them feel self aware but understand that you have to be patient about their understanding of the situation, which can be extreme. This might also lead to feeling of worthlessness. Though you have to be understanding,it is important to strike the right relation that is not over indulgent.
- Resolve to not argue or somehow disrespect what your partner is saying. It will advisable to run through possible scenarios in your head to understand his reaction better.
- Understand that nothing you say at this point will make him feel better so brace yourself for his reaction n matter how aggravated he gets.
- He might even ask you to not leave or even beg, remain calm and composed throughout this.after such a big decision do not expect him to react rationally as has been mentioned before. Just for it to pass.
The Intensity of the Decision
Once you have made the decision to separate, it is most likely that you do not have any emotional association any more, so severing ties might be a little more easier for you, but if there is one thing I must urge you to think about is your sense of self worth and the authenticity of your marriage.
Think about why you even got married din the first place and ask if those feelings exist any more? Reevaluate the thoughts you have had and consider the consequences of your actions and if the limitlessness of your marriage overwhelms and you just know that there isn’t any future in this- go ahead. Just remember to have a conversation with yourself first.
Whether it has been 10 years or twenty five- this conversation will not be an easy one, so cut the small talk and get tot he points. Try not to be hurtful no matter what you are experiencing have been, as their is nothing that hurts the other person more.
Think carefully not just about your choices but how these choices will impact others, but make sure you know what you want. If you are looking for a reconciliation and just want your partner to make more efforts to ensure you say that. If you are steadfast and know for a fact that you want to separate immediately be wise and word the same tactfully and effectively.
Ideally, after the initial hurt your husband will understand, and thus the journey would not be extremely difficult but just in case remember to exercise compassion and empathy. Speak in a manner that lets him know that you want to be able to maintain a right relation and no matter how contradictory it seems, he should take it very personally,
The point its to be mature adults about the decision and the whole point of adulthood lies in being honest and helpful to yourself and others. Nobody was brought into this earth to feel unworthy or unhappy, these phases but the key to your happiness lies in your own hands, so take your decision and led by compassion have the courage to follow it.